John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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