i don't like sucking hair
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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