this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
