Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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