i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
