Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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