I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
