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• (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  so yall hooked up?

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• (801): View more from Utah

  i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

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• (626): View more from California

  There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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• (909): View more from California

  I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

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• (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Pencil dick carries the name proudly.

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• (589): View more from

  seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday

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• (219): View more from Indiana

  I need a fucking roommate.

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  You need a fucking babysitter.

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• (650): View more from California

  You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out

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• (707): View more from California

  I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs

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