Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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