2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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