the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
