i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
