he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
