They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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