Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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