Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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