Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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