My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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