Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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