You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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