There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
