So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
