I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just had sex on a roof
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
