i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
