Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
