she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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