i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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