someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
