he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
