Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sacagawea was the original milf.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
