Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
