the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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