she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
