Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
