You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm getting married
To pizza
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize