she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Randomize
