We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
