come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
