PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
