You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
