Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
