community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
