Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
