I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
