hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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