K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
