swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
