whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
