Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
