if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
