he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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