I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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