My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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