I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
