i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
