Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
