I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize