I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
