just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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