It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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