My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
