I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
