just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
