Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I just forgot I was standing up.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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