i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
